Since deciding there’s not much I won’t talk about on this blog, I’m going to subject you to my Teen Angst for an entry.
So! No-one likes a downer (apparently), so I don’t bother letting on in Real Life1, but I harbour a lot of self-loathing. See, I don’t have anything to like, and obviously don’t have much of a concept of self-worth. Yes, I have low self-esteem, and yes, negative self-loathing cognitions are a key part of my life. It’s not the case that I have a permanent inferiority complex, though. Certainly, I get inferiority complexes, but I’m more likely to be downright narcissistic with a superiority complex. It’s not so much that I’m inferior to other people, it’s more that I’m different and can’t connect with anyone. I’ve somehow collected a large number of friends of friends and acquaintances, but I feel that, in my teenage years at least, I’ve made but one friend who I feel I can actually connect with; someone who I’d miss if they were gone.
But anyway! As I mentioned above, I don’t talk to people about whatever Issues I have. I’m not in constant need of validation. I’m far from being one of those people who continually criticise themselves in front of others, fishing for sympathy. Yes, I’m unattractive, uninteresting, and lack confidence2, but I don’t look for sympathy from others. It’s so unproductive and fruitless. I don’t want sympathy, anyway. Self-hatred is just part of who I am, and I can’t imagine not having it, so I deal. Further, low self-esteem is supposedly not a very becoming characteristic.3
It’s gotten worse over the years, and I think I reached a new peak recently. Probably the other peak to the graph of my self-hate was in 2008, where the welfare co-ordinator at school (and a doctor!) decided I needed to talk to psychologist, which I was too wimpy to go through with. That may have been a Bad Idea.
I sort of don’t want to post this, but since I’ve gone and typed it all up, I will.
- As far as I can tell, I appear indifferent to mildly happy most of the time. That’s my intention, anyway! I rarely show what little emotion I actually have, so I’d lean more towards indifferent, but yeah. [↩]
- Confidence is easy to feign, though. I can fake it, but I haven’t made it…yet? [↩]
- Although, too much self-esteem isn’t very becoming, either. Not to me, at any rate. Over-confident and egotistical people who think they’re way more awesome than they actually are, are generally annoying. Being in the middle of the self-esteem continuum is probably the most desirable place to stay. [↩]
Can’t type much as have sleeping baby in arms, just wanted to say that you can’t be uninteresting, because I read your blog and I don’t read uninteresting people’s blogs.
@Jem: Ahaha, love your logic
I don’t know how to comment on this entry, because if I do say something related to it, it’d be… sympathetic. Dun dun dunnnnn…
But seriously though, if you were “uninteresting”… I’d be like “oh hell no, *block on twitter*”, and so far, I haven’t done so
Onnnn a slightly different topic, or actually, entirely different, have a great uni break!
Toodaloo! xx
If you really were so horrid and uninteresting, why on Earth would I be so ridiculously excited to SEE YOU IN LIEK FOUR DAYS?!
And it is totally never wimpy to back out of seeing a psychologist. You probably would have walked out of that office worse off than better off, judging from my own personal experiences with a string of psychologists and assorted mental health professionals that were complete twits.
I don’t think you are uninteresting! If so, I wouldn’t be reading and commenting on your entries
I’m my own worst critic too, but I’ve gotten better in recent years. I just do everything to the best that I can possibly do and leave it at that. There’s not much else I can do, you know?
I think I can sympathize with you on a level… people tell me I have “achievement anorexia”.
You’re not uninteresting! I love the way you present what’s on your mind!
I could have written pretty much exactly this, almost word for word, a year ago. I spent a lot of time overanalysing my own behaviour too, so I probably could have written a lot more. (So might you though, I don’t know.) For me, there was a single discernible event which I could see had triggered the self-loathing, so I decided that if I resolved that, I’d feel better. It took me a long time just to work up the courage to do that, though, because it got to the point where I felt too insignificant to do anything, like I’d just be an annoyance to other people if I tried, so I’d better keep it to myself. Anyway, with some coaxing from some other people I went and got an apology and heard all the kinds of things that made me feel better. Along with, “Why didn’t you say anything at the time?” and all sorts of things that make good sense. But whatever, I moved past it, and I’m mostly over it now, even though it was such a dominant feature of my state of mind for so long (several months).
Based on my own experience, I’ll say that self-loathing is a hideous state of mind, particularly when it got so bad that I felt like I was worthless and didn’t want to trouble other people with my existence. What made it even worse was knowing that it was a gross overreaction to the event that had actually triggered it; another reason it took me so long to resolve anything was that I felt it was my fault I was so upset. Anyway, I know you said you don’t want sympathy, but I can relate so strongly to everything you’ve said and I want to say there’s no reason to loathe yourself. I mean, people who are cruel and/or manipulative and/or destructive, like tyrannical dictators, have every reason to loathe themselves (and if only they did…) but probably not the majority of people, and from the sound of what you write, not you. I have no constructive advice, really, about what you should do, but I think it’d be worthwhile to do something.
And I hope I haven’t completely embarrassed myself with this comment! I hope you’re all right, even though you clearly went against your inclinations to post this.
For what it’s worth, I think you’re very interesting! I, too, enjoy reading your blog.
I know you don’t want sympathy, but I struggle with similar issues. I’ve gotten much better in the last year or so, but I don’t know if I’m to the point where I can genuinely say I like myself yet. :-/
I identify with what you’ve said somewhat, and I think it’s actually rather brave to have posted it — for me, that I don’t want validation, that I don’t sympathy means I internalize all these things because frankly, that other people think I’m interesting makes no difference if *I* don’t think I’m interesting. And then I’d rather not have to bother with living up to their expectations that I *am* interesting. Is that twisted?
I think…self-hatred is okay so long as you’re looking to improve yourself, not wallow in it.
But now I feel the need to use a disclaimer and tell you that despite what I’ve said I don’t think you are ‘unattractive, uninteresting, and lack confidence’. =P
[...] the thought ye put into comments, and the substance they contain. In particular, thanks to Jess for her treatise..! I know commenting on this drivel has no benefits for the reader (apart from the chance of a [...]
Late comment is late, but I also very much empathise with what you’ve written — I seem to simultaneously hold an inferiority and superiority complex, and not having any truly close friends makes me feel as if there’s something different about me that makes me unable to form these connections. But I also want people to “like” me, so I don’t let on about my insecurities in my daily life — from experience, it does get difficult to talk to people who constantly wallow in self-pity after a while. (and you are FAR from one of them!) Anyway, it doesn’t help because the issue comes from within and as long as you don’t like yourself, what other people say doesn’t make a difference to your opinion -__-
At the moment I’m trying to pinpoint specific things that I don’t like about myself, and work on improving them and my other skills in the hope that it will improve my self-esteem. (I’m not sure how successful it will be, since there are some things that I can’t change — trying to magically become more outgoing, for example.) But for what it’s worth, I think you’re a very interesting, intelligent and lovely person, with excellent taste to boot. If only there were more people like you around here!
So I wrote that I don’t fish for sympathy, but in the end it was completely awesome to read all these comments. Thanks to all who offered their thoughts.