Etherised Patient

I’d just like to quickly take an opportunity to thank everyone who commented on my entry about self-hate. I always appreciate the thought ye put into comments, and the substance they contain. In particular, thanks to Jess for her treatise..! I know commenting on this drivel has no benefits for the reader (apart from the chance of a referral or two), so it makes me happy when people actually put the effort into writing something awesome, which is why I’m taking this opportunity to acknowledge it. In the end, it’s somewhat liberating to spill my guts to the world, and I guess it’s nice when there are other people who empathise with you. As much as I think I’m alone in the world, I’m really not.

I don’t know when I’ll be in a position where I can actually like myself, or if that will even happen at all. As I said, self-loathing is just part and parcel of being me, and I’ve accepted that. Abusive self-talk is all too prevalent in my life, but I’m not going to stand in front of a mirror repeating self-affirmations or anything of the sort. I’ve come to realise that I’m overly flawed, and I just deal with it.

I like to think next entry will be free of this wretched Teen Angst.

Since deciding there’s not much I won’t talk about on this blog, I’m going to subject you to my Teen Angst for an entry.

So! No-one likes a downer (apparently), so I don’t bother letting on in Real Life¹, but I harbour a lot of self-loathing. See, I don’t have anything to like, and obviously don’t have much of a concept of self-worth. Yes, I have low self-esteem, and yes, negative self-loathing cognitions are a key part of my life. It’s not the case that I have a permanent inferiority complex, though. Certainly, I get inferiority complexes, but I’m more likely to be downright narcissistic with a superiority complex. It’s not so much that I’m inferior to other people, it’s more that I’m different and can’t connect with anyone. I’ve somehow collected a large number of friends of friends and acquaintances, but I feel that, in my teenage years at least, I’ve made but one friend who I feel I can actually connect with; someone who I’d miss if they were gone.

But anyway! As I mentioned above, I don’t talk to people about whatever Issues I have. I’m not in constant need of validation. I’m far from being one of those people who continually criticise themselves in front of others, fishing for sympathy. Yes, I’m unattractive, uninteresting, and lack confidence², but I don’t look for sympathy from others. It’s so unproductive and fruitless. I don’t want sympathy, anyway. Self-hatred is just part of who I am, and I can’t imagine not having it, so I deal. Further, low self-esteem is supposedly not a very becoming characteristic.³

It’s gotten worse over the years, and I think I reached a new peak recently. Probably the other peak to the graph of my self-hate was in 2008, where the welfare co-ordinator at school (and a doctor!) decided I needed to talk to psychologist, which I was too wimpy to go through with. That may have been a Bad Idea.

I sort of don’t want to post this, but since I’ve gone and typed it all up, I will.

1. As far as I can tell, I appear indifferent to mildly happy most of the time. That’s my intention, anyway! I rarely show what little emotion I actually have, so I’d lean more towards indifferent, but yeah. [↩]
2. Confidence is easy to feign, though. I can fake it, but I haven’t made it…yet? [↩]
3. Although, too much self-esteem isn’t very becoming, either. Not to me, at any rate. Over-confident and egotistical people who think they’re way more awesome than they actually are, are generally annoying. Being in the middle of the self-esteem continuum is probably the most desirable place to stay. [↩]